I am isolated

I am alone. This is what i am feeling rite now. Although we are so near, but we are not connected.

Ahoy matey, here i come again to put some in writing. It seems recently everyone is on very sensitive moody. I said something like "

I hate it when ppl judge me without trying to understand what I had been through.." and there are people say i was refering to them. Hell No my friends, i'm not talking about u. But i'm in my hell down mood and depressed, i dont really have the mind to explain to you...

I did actually ask for encouragement, but failed. Seems everyone is tied up with their own problem. How do i tell when the person doesnt even want to listen... i called, i sms.. failed.

In the end, i hv to settled my own thinking and emotion...

Currently, i felt i'm so isolated. I hang out with my friends, but deep inside me i felt inferior. I dont knw why. I feel like i cant do anything well. I no longer have the confidence i had. I lost the connection to myself, the giant inside me..

I want to get back all those i lost, pride and confidence...

Reality is so hurt..

You know what, i just need a person to listen.. understand what i had felt.. but i couldnt find any now.. everyone is so full of themselves, they are so smart that all they can do is just advice advice or reprimand..

Felt better now venting out some of the feeling..

My courage on taking a choice rather than a chance

Making a decision on choices needs courage and responsible.. But no matter good or bad, most ppl will comment and criticize. However, there are also ppl will stare in admiration on the our courage for taking the steps. And there might be a chance some ppl will follow our steps and making the choice.

I have an old friend told me just now, that i think too much. And the results, i always have choices. So that makes me always think of a way out before really putting in efforts in something. I may say that i am too careful in planning my way, but in fact i believe this is the fear in me that's holding me. Fear, fear that if this does not work out, i should have another way out.

Everyone should have a back up plan, the problem here is if someone (in this case is me lar) focus too much on "what if" e.g what if this can't, what if they do not... etc.. then we cant really give it all our efforts.

Conclusion... sum up with your own comment.. thanks

Do i have to shout to be heard!!??

People are social animal. We like to be in group. However, everyone is unique in their own way. Most of the time, people gather around because of their similarities. Maybe because of their similar background, similar past experiences or similar hobbies and the lists goes on.

However, there are times when a group formed and there is one or two people are being left out. The feeling of being left out is miserable.

I have always having this feeling when going out with my group of best friends. However, sometimes i really doubting am i really a best fren for them?

There is always a gap between me and them. I totally freak out! I felt like i am different, i am strange. I understand everyone is different. I understand that the things we like, out taste, our thinking is different. And one of my fren once said, in a group, everyone has their own post to fill in. So am i here jus to fill in the one that being laughed at or being left out. I dun want to be the last one to know if anyone of my friends have any news. I care for them, it's not that i do not care. I just do not how to ask. I CARE. DO they just think i dun care?

I understand that my thinking pattern maybe different from them. However it is still hurt to being a STRANGER in A GROUP. I couldnt join in their conversation.

So one day, on my friends' graduation, i saw a guy, 'V' trying hard to join in conversation with these friends of mine. I SAW myself. I was crying inside myself. Suddenly i felt, why?.. ==

There are a lots of things that make me felt this way... This feeling would be understood by those who always have people listening when they talk. Am i have to SHOUT to get noticed? I dun like this... :(

What will people say about me if i suddenly just gone?

Our mind has unlimited possibility if we allow it to expands its creativity as it is...

Recently i suddenly have a fear.. a fear of loneliness..

I was thinking, what would other ppl says about me if i suddenly gone, what would my friends says about me.. Probably my friends would say, "he was a friendly chap, but he is too quiet or he is bla bla bla...." Or probably there arent many ppl can says about me because, do they truly know me, Know what i am feeling, Know what i am thinking?

Well, i have to says, this is could be my fault. Normally i wouldnt care to tell ppl what my thinking, i just follows or agreeing most of the time. The reason behind all this was i wasnt confidence enough about my thinking. I would keep the part that i think not good enough from ppl.

I am also too reserved in some ways.. I would tell ppl what they want to know if and if only they truly want to listen to it.. otherwise i would normally just listen and give some short comments..

Because i think, people do not really need others opinion unless they really need it. And if i just anyhow throw it, it might turn them off for telling me more..

Recently i found out, i might listen too much that i do not care about my personal opinion which lies deep down and become more depressed. I become less confidence about my own opinion and my thinking..

Therefore i would like to be more like me. Express what i really feel, care and think without hurting other people's feeling and ego. And care less about what ppl might think about me.

I am afraid. I afraid if i suddenly gone, would i leave any story for my friends to tell? Would i have many shared memories with my friends they can remember me of? No.. i do not want that.. :(

Gui Ling Gao (Herbal Jelly)

As i Suddenly wanted to try to make herbal Jelly. I went to Bugis trying to buy the ingredient without really hoping i can find it.

What is herbal jelly and why is it good for you? Gui ling gao is translated as tortoise jelly. But not to worry as there is no turtle parts in the ingredients. Maybe back in the old days they do but not now as it is illegal to use turtle. The herbal jelly is made out of different herbs and flowers. It help nourish our yin and clear body heat while resolve blood toxin. Also specially effective on recovering skin disorder. The taste might be a little bit bitter but taste great with syrup. Eat this chilled and it's a great dessert.

As this is my first attempt i didn't follow the instruction below. I only use one sachet instead of 5 sachets.

Ingredients:

5 bags of gui ling gao powder
4 1/2 cups water
100 gm rock sugar
1 slab of candy sugar
3/4 cup water

Method:

1. Put 3 cups of water in a pot with the rock sugar. Boil until rock sugar dissolve.

2. While boiling sugar water, mix the 5 bags of jelly powder with 1 cup water. Mix well with a whisk.

3. After the sugar water is ready, slowly pour in the jelly powder mixture. Whisk at the same time when pouring in the sugar water. Risk the bowl with rest of the 1/2 cup of water and pour in the pot. Whisk fast to prevent lumps and for a smooth texture. The jelly thicken up really quick so prepare the molds a head of time.

4. Pour the thick jelly into the molds and let it cool and set. It will set once it cooled. Put all the jelly in the refrigerator.

5. In another pot, mix the sugar slap and 3/4 cup water to make syrup. Boil the sugar until it dissovle and bubble up. It is have a consistency of the honey. Do not over boil as it may get too thick. If that's the case then add more water in and continue to bring to boil again only until it slightly thicken.

6. Pour some syrup over cold jelly and serve.

Optional: You can serve this with honey, condensed milk, or canned fruits.

Do nothing for the whole week

I am having unpaid leave now. Tomorrow shall be finalized.

Time waits no man, it is very true. Unknowingly i have spend almost 1 week doing nothing.

I do not plan, hence do not spend my time properly.

Most of the time was spend just for playing game.

Now feeling almost everyday as sunday, i finally take my butt and go out and buy something.

Initial place i have in my mind directly say i am going to Bugis.

At Bugis, had McDonald as lunch then head to "Guan Yin" Temple to offer incense.

While walking, i found something that i was thinking last nite. And that is Gui Ling Gao..

So i just bought the necessary and go home to prepare.

I cant sleep

04 July 2010, 01.28am

Right here i am in the midnight time. My surrounding was all quiet except all the motors noise. I can hear the noise because our house is just roadside.

I cant sleep after lying on my bed for about 1 hour, i cant stop thinking. So i think i should record down what is running in my mind right now at this minute for any purpose.

Just now while watching TV, my dad told me he is going to meet someone from Sg. He said he is going to intro him for me. Asking if i could land a job from him. He asked me to called him when i am in Sg.

Seeing my dad worry about my career is really making me more frustrated.

I can feel he wanted me to have a career in Sg so that i can live in Sg.

I really appreciate my dad's efforts trying to help me. But i am struggling.

One side, i do not want to disappointed my parents. Because they sent me to study in Sg with the hope that i can be living in Sg someday..

Another side in my heart, i understand myself wont stand and work like hell in Sg for things i cant put in my heart doing for my whole life. I do not want this. I have just worked for 6 months. And i have a glimpse of how my future would look like if i continue to be like that and follow the crowd. I wanted to do something that would belongs to me.

If i followed what others hoped in me, which is to find a good pay company and continue to work until retirement age. This is not for ME.

Everyday i keep thinking of quitting my job, i will be scared, i am scared because deep down i understand i am going to let go of my 'secure' income to get back my freedom.

Dvd

Develop a new skill

Without failing to wake up early to do my necessary thing even though has been sleeping very EARLY recently..

These few days has been sleep at around 5-6am then wake up ard 9am. And today is no exception.

Soo... wat is special today is, finally i take the first step in developing a new skill.

Today, early morning, without fail, wake up early to watch Doraemon(only sunday) while ironing my shirts.

After that to begin prepare the dessert, i went out to prepare the ingredients.

And the menu for today is "腐竹白果薏米糖水".... :D

Well, at first i made it. And it's well done (Self praising).

But because i found it nt sweet enough, so i add in 冰糖 and boil again. I used small fire to let it boil slowly.... Who knows i would forgot that i left the fire open. and finally the well done become overdone.. And the whole 腐竹 is overcooked and shredded into small small pieces. :(

Hahaha... Although the 'look' has failed, bt i think the taste is ok. So next time should be able to improve again. So next time i would invite some friends to try and comment. Of course, that would be after their exams :D

Oh, btw, i am sorry, no pics displayed because the look..... emm...

Next time.. i shall show off a bit :P

Feel lonely

Everyday waking early just to make sure i reach office by 8.30am.

After reach office on time, if nothing to do, i would spend morning to read KOMPAS..

Then in the afternoon, i would traveling around Singapore depending the schedule.. which not properly arranged...

I do this every monday to friday.

Then saturday and sunday, i would become a promoter.. go either SLS or FUNAN.

Unknowingly, i have been living this lifestyle for 3 months...

By doing this everyday, by evening time i would actually feel lazy to go out.. and as the time went by, i would feel lonely. Maybe my friends are busy with their own schedules, some are preparing exam, some are studying, some are looking for jobs.. and lastly because i am working..

...

This is how working i imagined

Wow, today was very very busy as the phone keeps ringing.. but this is how working i imagined.

Hee, although today was busy... but i was happy busying..

Until now, it's almost 2 months of working. At first, i wasnt really getting used as at 1st really not much to do becos i still not that familiar with the products and still new, so a lot of thing i cant start although want to be proactive. Until recently i have getting used to this kind of style.

So far, my working, can be said acceptable.. Compared to some of my frens, my job is considered "enjoy" :)

As for the pay, can be considered as low, the only thing i dun really like is have to work on weekend which makes my monthly off days only left like 2 days.

So today was really enjoyable for me, which makes me feel fulfilled... :D

My World is in My Mind!

Lucky day

Wew... today was kind of surprise for me...

Kind of everything running quite smoothly... 1st confirm the deal with the Brunei client, even though it's not kind of million dollar biz, but it's a good start for me.. :D

Then outside, visited some places... one of the places, ability computer, surprisingly give me PO. This is just my second visit.. hee... lucky :D

Then look for David Lee... (Hee, exactly same name with me :D) but he is out for service.. ==

Then today my parents call me, said they reach here and goin to clinic.. hooo..

Then i have to quickly finish my tasks and find them...

This time is becos my dad, his leg pain is acting again... haihs.... ..

hope my dad's leg pain will be reduced...

In their present, i have to let them see, i can take care of myself... so cant show them tiredness or any complain about living here...

I often said to myself, taking care of myself is one of the present for them, cos will lessen their worries..

Sometimes that's what i told my frens....

Most of the times, i wouldn't tell them wat i think, cos everytime i say something, they dun listen all , and assume they know wat i want to say and begin pouring in advices.... so i'll just shut myself down and say ya ya ya...... ok....

So for my frens, for goodness sake, try to hold ur advices unless asked..... otherwise, ur advices are just wind pass by....

Because you are foreigner

WHAT THE HELL!!!

My fren got rejected from a school. He had done his best to stay in here and study here... following the route to get into the mainstream.. but in the end.... rejected.

When my fren asked why with the course manager, the answer really PISSED OFF....

"Well, the course do still have vacancy, and your exam result did meet the requirement and in fact above average... but we cant accept you because you are a FOREIGNER"!!!

!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*()

REALLY!!!! DAMN IT>>>><<<<"""

01-02-10

Another month has pass, that's how time flies.. Huuuh..

All rite, today was surprisingly for me to start writing something...

What should i say today, let's see....

Let's report how i am doing so far...^^

I have started working lor!! Well, until today still haven one month yet..

Hee, when ppl ask me, where do i work, most of the time, i would answer, ANYWHERE or EVERYWHERE... :D

Some ppl catch the jokes, but some are ... ~~" Haish..

Or ppl ask me what is my job, i would say, my job is walk, find and talk... then most ppl would take a step back and worry i might selling financial thingy.. hee, then i would tell them not to worry as the things i sell are tangible, can see, can touch.. :D

So far so good, at least not scoring zero.. :)

Boss gave me a target, i myself also set a target to reach... in fact, i set the target to be reach in 6 months, as a test for myself... Hope i can do it..

You know, some ppl begin to think differently when they reach into a certain stage in their life. I find my thinking during my school days and working are somehow different but not so different... What did i think? A LOT!!!!

Nah, now i also do financial control for myself, but as i have my income, my expenses also went up double.. T.T

Wat else ha... a lot... after this, i wanna start to try so many thing, so many thing i wanna get...

Let's see.... :D

I wanna get a CAMERA

I wanna get a BOOKSHELF

I wanna get sumthing for my MOM and SIS

I wanna learn MAKING WAFFLE

I wanna learn MAKE A CAKE

I wanna learn CHOCOLATE

I wanna learn KOREAN

I wanna learn JAPANESE..... and the list can go on.... Hehehe....

Most of all, i wanna START MY BUSINESS... but i need to find partner... I need a partner who can write my idea into a proposal.. a partner who can do detail calculation... Who could that be???

All rite, now let's see.... ahaa.. i can be very longwinded...

Well, i can share a lot of thing, provided you show me your interest to listen. Otherwise, i will just keep shut... Becos by showing interest, i feel u care wat i'm talking bout.. So i'm quite bad tempered....

Hmm, rite now... i'm praying for my friends who are doing UOL, they are preparing for their exams, and most of my friends seems extremely stress in their studies.. i hope they will be blessed with the wisdom to absorb all they study and the health to cope with the studies... :D

02-01-2010

On this early morning, i was scared, and angry becos i dreamed i saw my grandpa was beaten by some huan kia..

This dream quite strange, i was like the third party, my action is beyond my control.

At first, i was helping in taking care my nephew, but strangely we were playing near the road, so it was very dangerous, i hav to stop the oplet, a public transport in my place. When there are ppl seeing but they are just standing by around see me doing the things. Then finally i take my nephew aside, i saw my grandpa was being beaten in the opposite. They also hold my grandpa and bang him to the lorry several times. But i cant cross over becos the road suddenly become very crowded with cars.. I only saw myself holding the stone wanted to cross over but waiting, then the rest of my family they are just see the situation as if it was other ppl's business. Everyone is waiting for my action. Then when i saw my grandpa vomit some orange color liquid, i was frighten and wake up...

Damn!